If your dream car is a German spaceship disguised as an American SUV with the IQ of a Harvard graduate and the spa skills of a Thai masseuse—congratulations, your Tesla just got friend-zoned. Introducing the Mercedes-Benz EQS 580 4Matic SUV—the only SUV that comes standard with an inferiority complex for your bungalow.
Let’s begin.
Looks: Darth Vader in a Tuxedo
The EQS SUV is so smooth and shiny, birds don’t dare poop on it. It’s got that Sensual Purity design philosophy, which sounds like something you’d find in a very expensive French perfume, but here it means no sharp lines, only liquid luxury. If it were a human, it would be Idris Elba in a black satin robe, whispering “Autobahn” while pouring champagne.
That AMG body kit and those AMG-specific bumpers? All for flex. It doesn’t need it, but it has it because why not?
Size: Like a Mansion on Wheels
This thing is massive. At 5.1 meters long and 2.1 meters wide, parking it is less about driving skill and more about whether the Earth has enough surface area. It’s a proper 7-seater SUV, with 2020 litres of space when you fold all the seats. That’s enough for your luggage, your dog, your yoga instructor, and still room for regrets.
And yet… it turns like a hatchback thanks to rear axle steering. The rear wheels turn 10° and honestly, that’s more flexibility than most marriages.
Interior: Presidential Suite with an Operating System
Welcome to the cockpit, where the future lives. There’s a 56-inch MBUX Hyperscreen, which is basically three screens in a trench coat. The passenger gets their own 12.3-inch OLED display to play Tetris, navigate, or judge your playlist.
Behind you? Rear passengers get two 11.6-inch screens, a 7.4-inch Samsung tablet, and enough tech to launch a SpaceX rocket.
The seats? 12-way electrically adjustable with massage, heating, ventilation and memory. Honestly, if you still go to spas, you’re just showing off.
And yes, there’s an Air Balance Package with individual scents, because apparently smelling like success is a feature now.
Sound System: Burmester 3D—A.K.A. Home Theatre on Acid
The 15-speaker, 710-watt Burmester system will find frequencies in your soul you didn’t know existed. There are LED reading lights, 64-color ambient lighting, and enough mood customization to match every zodiac sign.
You can vibe in lavender lighting while listening to Beethoven or pump 90s hip-hop under red strobes. Your call.
Performance: Electric Beast in Gucci Shoes
Don’t let the luxury fool you—this is an 858 Nm torque-dropping, 536 HP electric beast. It does 0-100 km/h in 4.7 seconds, which is faster than the speed at which your dad dismisses EVs.
Top speed? 210 km/h. Range? A ridiculous 809 km (if you don’t blast the AC like a Punjabi wedding hall). That’s thanks to a massive 122 kWh battery, India’s largest, because EQS doesn’t do average.
Charging?
- AC 7.4 kW: Make some tea and wait 18 hours.
- AC 22 kW: 6.25 hours. Nap, gym, Netflix.
- DC 200 kW: 70% in 31 minutes. Just enough time to brag about it at Starbucks.
Tech: Alexa’s Jealous Cousin
The EQS doesn’t just have features—it has a tech buffet. It reads road signs, steers itself, brakes for your stupidity, and can even park itself via your phone, like a loyal digital butler.
There’s Dynamic Select with 5 modes:
Eco (for Gandhi-mode),
Comfort (CEO-mode),
Sport (Race-mode),
Off-Road (Mountain goat-mode),
and Individual (I-have-trust-issues mode).
Also, there’s AVAS (Acoustic Vehicle Alerting System) to warn pedestrians under 30 km/h. Which means it makes spaceship noises like it’s auditioning for Star Wars.
Safety: Your Guardian Angel Wears a Three-Pointed Star
With 7 airbags, 360° cameras, Active Blind Spot Assist, and a pre-safe interior monitoring system, this car practically worries more about you than your mom.
Also comes with GUARD 360+, which sounds like a superhero or a bodyguard subscription—either way, it’s a fortress on wheels.
Warranty, Service & Investment Talk
- 3-year car warranty
- 10-year/unlimited km battery warranty
- StarEase service plans start from ₹85,000
- Mobilo 24×7: Includes towing, hotel, and replacement car—yes, it pampers you when you’re sad too
Also, Mercedes just invested ₹200 crore more in Indian manufacturing—so you can now tell your family buying one is technically supporting local jobs.
Price: ₹1.41 crore (Ex-showroom)
Or, as your dad calls it—“Beta, ghar le lete”. And if you want to go full Maharaja, there’s a Maybach version for ₹2.25 crore—because why not?
Verdict:
The EQS SUV is not just a car. It’s a rolling fortress of silence, a luxury apartment on wheels, a tech nerd with six-pack abs, and possibly the only SUV that makes Teslas feel underdressed.
Buy it if:
- You want to save the planet, but in diamond-studded slippers.
- You want to charge your car faster than you charge your phone.
- You like massage seats more than human interaction.
Avoid it if:
- You’re allergic to touchscreen.
- You think Bluetooth is black magic.
- You still argue that diesel is the future.
Final Rating: 9.81/10
(Lost 0.19 points because it didn’t come with a chauffeur named Jeeves by default.)
